10 (Unexpected) Things I Learned in Motherhood!

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Motherhood is HARD! Okay…okay… cliché, I know. Keep reading…. this won’t be the same old post about being a mom that you typically read, I promise! I hope to give you a different perspective on that first year of motherhood. One that lets you know you’re not alone and helps you realize that you can and WILL be a mama who rises above that cliché!

And that’s just it! If there’s anything I’ve learned in this first year of motherhood, it’s that being a mom – especially one who doesn’t fall into that cliché daily – is all about perspective! Having the right perspective – a positive one – and keeping things in that positive perspective. Basically, looking at whatever is happening in a positive frame of mind. Well, honestly, it’s more than that…

If where we focus is what we see, then motherhood for me has truly been about shifting my focus to the Cross. Magnify the Cross – magnify what and Who it’s really all about – and let all the times I feel like I’m failing miserably disappear in the light of His Glory and Grace, as that old, beautiful hymn goes!

So, I think that’s what motherhood is – choosing to focus on God first and foremost, and then on the positive wins daily – while these little people watch us, learn from us, need us, want us, make us laugh, and (occasionally) make us cry! We give our all…. and then some.

And that’s selfless. Not loss of self. Don’t believe that lie. No, it is absolutely possible to gain MORE of yourself in mothering. Selfless is different.

Selfless is an adjective that means “Concerned MORE with the needs and wishes of others than with one’s own needs and wishes.”

It’s like you grow to have the capacity to serve and care for that little person, and still take care of you, too. You can’t pour from an empty cup, after all! I’ve heard it said that sometimes taking a nap is the most spiritual thing you can do! I definitely had to do that more than a few times this past year, my husband can attest to that! In fact, since I’m being honest, there were many times where I just needed a proverbial “minute”… so that I did not take my frustration, or exhaustion, or full bladder and empty spirit, out on her.

So, you become MORE! There’s more depth, more heart, more care, more dreams, more prayers, more learning, more doing, more thinking, more feelings, and more empathy.

MORE!! Not less. Less, to make room for more. Selfmore? Just kidding! I think you get the idea.

But this all sounds great now, 1 year in. I didn’t know I’d literally want to hold her every second of every day and at the same time pray for when I could finally put her down. I didn’t know I’d breakdown crying when she threw her first one-ager temper tantrum about bedtime, so that we were both on the floor crying together. And I didn’t know I’d pray for just one moment to finish a thought, but then when I got that moment, I’d only be able to think about her. I didn’t know that all I’d want to do is sleep and stare at her monitor at the same time… which I now believe is actually possible (moms have superpowers!!) Honestly, I just didn’t know.

I couldn’t have prepared for it, and the truth is: I don’t think we’re meant to. Otherwise, why would we need Jesus? Why would we need to depend on God? It’s a journey bigger than us and not about us. We’re raising future world-changers and Kingdom-growers!

That said, I read ALL the first year blog posts and articles there were to read. So, I expected to learn that you don’t need a wipe warmer, there’s something you need to do every day called tummy time, you’ll need to be prepared for blowout diapers, and to be sure to sleep when the baby sleeps… or, for that matter, “you’ll never sleep again!” You know, the stuff we hear all the time, usually unsolicited. And sure, much of that proved to be true and helpful, but there were so many bigger lessons I learned that surprised me!

So, today I’m going to share with you 10 (unexpected) things I learned as a new mom that you won’t find on your average mom blog or read in any old article on having a baby…

10 (Unexpected) Things I Learned in My First Year of Motherhood

1. Ignore the boogies. Yes, that’s a real lesson I learned. Ignore the boogies, forget about if their nails are a little too long. Oh, and let them dig in the dirt and get their knees dirty exploring the grass… At first, I was so concerned about these things that I lost out on cuddle time or a funny memory we could have been making because I was bothering her and she didn’t want anything to do with me until I stopped.

Funny how kids don’t care if they’ve got food on their face, but adults would get so embarrassed by that!! And now I was (accidentally) sending her the message that being messy is gross and embarrassing. The reality is, I wish I could let loose like that sometimes, so why put that on her?!

2. Always be reading a personal development book. Something that falls under success, personal development, faith, motherhood… something to grow YOU! Remember that becoming more thing? The whole growing our capacity thing I mentioned earlier? Well, this is a sure fire way to do just that! Maybe it’s Cultivate by Lara Casey, like I read during my first month postpartum. Or, maybe it’s a daily devotional on faith and motherhood.

If you plan to nurse, an amazing tip I was given is to keep the book near where you find yourself typically feeding the baby during those first few months, and just read each time. Capitalize on that time! It’s WAY better than zoning out on your phone. It sets in motion a day full of much more time spent “being present” and a lot less time feeling anxious and impatient. I can’t explain why entirely, you just have to trust me. It makes HUGE difference!

You won’t hear this too often, but I’ve found first hand that personal growth is key as a mom… now, more than ever before!! Honestly, the days I don’t read something that grows me or moves my life forward, I feel frazzled easier and like I’m always one step behind. I didn’t take care of me, so I have a harder time taking care of someone else too!

3. Get active. Do something, anything! And preferably outdoors. Even if it’s just a quick walk around the block. Or maybe it’s raining that day, so, instead, you do some squats while you’re playing with your little one. Hey, why not have a mini-dance party with your toddler?! I mean, we do what we gotta do! Endorphins help your mood and spirit. You’ll feel better…Confidence. Energy. Strength! (Can we talk about getting up off the floor while holding a baby who won’t let you put them down??) Oh, and mental sanity. Seriously… Just get moving!

4. Notice the little wins. Take note of what’s going WELL. Take stock of the good things daily. Remember that whole focus and perspective thing? There will be a TON of challenges and things that don’t go how you imagined or hoped. You’re going to need to have grace upon grace for yourself, for your baby…. oh, and for your husband too! (They aren’t made like we are). Maybe nursing has been a challenge, but the baby latches a bit easier one day. Celebrate that!! Maybe the baby has been waking way too many times in the middle of the night, but one night there is just one less wake-up. Rejoice in that!! (Seriously, do a victory dance!!) Those little victories add up… focus on them as best you can every single day!

5. Let them figure it out. This has been easier for me mentally than it has been in practice. I tend to default to a habit of stepping in before I think through the effect that doing that will have on her learning. Sure, show them once or twice as they’re figuring it out. But, if they’re trying to push a button that squeaks, for example, let them push it without seeing the result they expected. My mama instinct kicks in, and I want to jump in and save her from the disappointment that it’s not going how she had hoped. All too often I think we step in too soon and if we don’t shift that mindset, then we’ll have a bunch of 6-year-olds going across the monkey bars while holding mama’s hand. (It’s me… I’m “we!” Talking to myself here!!)

The truth is, I recognize that in order for her to succeed at any given task – and at any goal she ever sets her mind to in her entire life, for that matter – she needs to learn how to figure things out on her own. Sure, I’ll be there to guide her, to give advice (if asked for), but she has to do it…and mess it up…and get hurt or frustrated…. and try again… So, I need to get in the habit of encouraging that process even now while she’s this little so that it is natural when she is older and it matters most!

6. Ignore the negative. You know the people who mean well, but also tell you like 800 things that will go wrong? And then you’re all freaked out and second-guessing yourself? Them… Ignore them. The “Google people.” Like… just ignore them. Even if it’s mom or grandma. Even if it’s your best friend. Just hit the mute button. Hit “do not allow.” If you hear the phrase, “Just wait until….” begin to come out of someone’s mouth, it would be best that you happen to get a phone call right at that exact moment.

That may sound harsh, but I’ve learned I have to protect my mind from fear and doubt and worry. It’s already our natural inclination as that mom instinct kicks in. I don’t need to make it any worse but letting people dump unsolicited negative on me! It’s like “hot potato, hot potato” – toss that potato back to them as fast as you possibly can so you don’t end up stuck with it! Joyce Meyer nailed it when she said, “Worry is a down payment on a problem you may never have.”

7. Have a goal you’re working on. The number one reason I hear for going back to work after having a baby is, “I wouldn’t want to be a stay at home mom because I’d be bored/have no purpose/won’t have something that’s my own.” Now, being bored? Yeah… you won’t be, I promise. But, the other two parts of that statement? A 9-5 job doesn’t HAVE to be what provides you either of those two things. Set a goal to run a marathon and start training for it, write a book, start a blog, get debt-free, start and build a home-based/web-based business, create a ministry, volunteer for a cause you are passionate about… something!

Aside from the fact that this solves the number one reason that women fear being full-time moms, it’s also crucial that our kids see our example as we pursue a worthwhile dream or goal. In doing so, we teach them the power of ownership, how to overcome obstacles, that they can face challenges despite their fear, and why it’s important to work hard at something without seeing an immediate result. I couldn’t care less if my children learn how to solve a math problem, but I do care immensely that they learn these lessons.

The number 2 reason I hear is, “It would be too hard.” Sigh… well, I’ll have to address how I feel about that reason another time…

8. Create space. Ever heard the phrase “touched out?” Yeah, I hadn’t either… not in any blogs or articles I read before having my daughter. (In case you’re wondering, this article explains it perfectly…)

I couldn’t overcome it until I created space. And I don’t just mean physical space, like time to myself – although for sure that is a crucial part of it. I also mean mental space. Don’t forget that part!

Here are a couple tips that worked for me…

Have your husband or significant other take care of baby while you get a shower that comes complete with a closed-door! Or, have a babysitter come over for an hour or two so you can catch a nap. Maybe your mother can watch your little one while you go on a solo grocery run! Honestly, it didn’t matter what it was – even if it was a chore, like running errands – or how long it was for – it just has to be solo and I would always feel renewed and ready to dive back into motherhood wholeheartedly!

So ditch the guilt, ditch feeling like a burden, and realize that you can’t pour from an empty cup. Sometimes the best thing you can do for your baby and all those around you is to take a moment to yourself.

Also, get some help mentally. Let me explain! I had way too much in my mind between caring for the baby, caring for our home, running our business, building my relationship with my husband and so on, and so on… I was keeping WAY too much in my mind and starting to forget things. So, I had to get my husband involved. He helped me to delete what was least important. Then, we began a shared to-do list using our reminders app so that he would get a reminder too and it wasn’t all on me! This was a game changer and I felt so much lighter from then on!

9. Prioritize your husband. Mamas, I had to learn this one the hard way. Especially when you consider what I shared above about the feeling of being “touched out.” Super vulnerable moment here! Our most challenging… discussion, let’s call it… during my first few months postpartum followed the moment my husband shared with me that his heart needed me and I was distant… absent even. I remember where we were sitting and everything. It wasn’t just a physical thing, it was emotional too. I was not available to him for any sort of intimate connection, whether consciously or, as it turned out, without even realizing it!

And, yes, of course I was still experiencing some discomfort from a c-section just a few months prior, I felt pretty “icky” all the time because I didn’t have time to get ready how I would have liked to each day, and my daughter and I were still figuring out nursing (there’s a story for another time…) so I had discomfort that came from that, as well. Add to that, still working on shedding that extra pregnancy weight, so I felt like a blimp…. and it’s just a huge recipe for wanting to, well, hide! Like, literally crawl under the bed and never be seen by human eyes again!

And, please know, he was sensitive and understanding to all of that. But, at a certain point, I needed to rejoin my marriage. Even if it was just a hug, a hand on his hand, a quiet moment after our daughter was asleep to ask him how he was doing. Just something meaningful! Men are wired differently, and I needed to be attentive to that, just like I was hoping he’d be attentive to my unique needs during that season.

Phew! That was therapeutic to write out!

(Disclaimer: I know there are some who read this who will wildly disagree with me on that one, and that’s okay… this is just what I learned and what helped me!)

10. Prioritize your day. Okay, last one! This one took me A LOT of trial and error. In fact, it wasn’t until about 10 months in that I really figured out what worked for me (and what didn’t!) when it came to getting stuff done with a baby. But, now I’m super passionate about this topic because of that!

Okay, so, I had to figure out how to balance the mental overwhelm that ensued when my daughter fell asleep. You know, “I need to do 873495486 things, which do I do first?” Ever felt like that? And then I would either try to do too many things at once or just end up doing nothing. Then there was balancing that with needing to be – and feel – productive. It would be nice to actually accomplish SOMETHING in my day that moved our home or life forward for just once! I didn’t want to just keep treading water, hoping to stay afloat amidst the laundry, groceries, cleaning, working out, things I needed to get done for our business, other errands, cooking, and ironing. (Phew! That’s a mouth full… or sentence full?!)

Plus, most importantly, wanting to be present with her when she was awake and not constantly thinking of my “to-do” list. What about my “to-play” list and “to-cuddle” list??!! What about a list for “making memories?!” I wanted to savor this first year, soak it all in, but I wasn’t doing that at all amidst the 101 thoughts racing through my mind about everything I “should” be doing!

So. I had to shift how I thought about my days and what “productive” looks like during this season. Here’s what I figured out that eliminated the mental overwhelm and created some space (like we talked about earlier!), helped me be fully present with her during her awake times, AND had me feeling like I actually accomplished something when my head hit the pillow at night… Ready for it?

Pick Your Top 3!

Okay, great – sounds easy – but… what does that mean? How do you do that? Alright, here’s how I think about it…

So, for the majority of this past year, my daughter was asleep 3 times while I was still awake – that’s 2 naps and then after her bedtime. Early on, it was 4 times, and I get that this will change to only 1 nap a day soon enough too. Part of prioritizing your day is knowing what is needed for and what works in each unique season! But, for now, we’re going to talk about the top 3.

Each night before I go to bed, I make a reminder in my phone to go off at 8am the next day that lists 3 things to do tomorrow – and ONLY 3 things – and I write which of the 3 I’ll do during which of her sleep times. So, for example…

Monday: Nap 1 – Start laundry, Nap 2 – meal prep a few dinners for the week, After Bed – Finish laundry

Thursday: Nap 1 – Exercise, Nap 2 – Quick clean kitchen, After Bed – Catch up with a couple of the ladies on my team

For all of the reasons I already mentioned, thinking about my days this way freed me up so much, both mentally and physically, like you would not believe (until you try it, of course)! So much so, that it is the one I saved for last! If you’d like more tips on how to be productive with a new baby in the house, check out this blog post from Strong with Grace!

So, there you have it – 10 (VERY unexpected) lessons I learned during this first year of mom life! My hope in sharing is that this helps someone else… not just to better prepare, but more than that – to know they’re not alone!! And most importantly, I hope this post helps a mama out there reading this to realize that she can and WILL be a mother who rises above the whole “motherhood is overwhelming and hard” cliché!

Now, if only I could learn how to start waking up before my daughter and get back to my favorite morning routine… Does anyone have any tips on that one?? I’ll let ya know how it goes…!!